Seek Subtle Revenge

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 What can we do to stay sane in these desperate times?!

That’s the question we’re being flooded with, and I’m feeling it too.

I could rant and provide you with a long list of politically motivated action plans and send you on your way! I could also suggest meditating, walking your dog, or popping the cork earlier in the day. While I do suggest you take a gander in those directions at some point, here are SIX ingenious things to do, that will heal you in ways you never imagined. Now get to work!

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ONE: SEEK SUBTLE REVENGE on someone, but choose wisely. Someone who won’t have you arrested. Maybe a person you until recently considered a good friend, but now realize how bloody warped they are, but they don’t yet realize they’ve blown your mind with their ignorance and willful stupidity. Choose that friend! Do something subtle, yet satisfying.

  • Rearrange their Jesus statues on their front lawn
  • Steal their “Penthouse” or their NRA re-enrollment forms from the mailbox
  • If that’s feeling too Federal offense-y and you have access to their house key– rearrange their living room while they’re at work, or replace their family photos with yours–to remind them who really has the upper hand

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TWO: SCARE SOMEONE. Anyone.  I promise you’ll laugh.

  • Huddle in the dark shower before your kids get in.
  • Hide under the bed before your spouse gets up for work and grab his/her ankle from below.
  • Draft up a false (“alternative”) document filing for divorce or foreclosure.
  • Leave a positive pregnancy test on top of the trash. The panic will offer a swift reminder of the significance of birth control. (This works on multiple levels when there’s a teenage girl living in the house!)
  • If your stereo is synced to Bluetooth, download a ‘scream’ track from a horror movie.  During homework, dinner or bedtime, crank the volume and hit play.  Dear Gawd, you’ve never seen such glorious horror!

THREE: SNEAK
Sneak the remote out of the room when someone is watching tv (use the extra remote for better effect). Slip outside. Switch the channel every so often, but stay out of sight. It may be old school, but I promise–you’ll giggle like a school girl!

FOUR: Pull a CAMERON FRYE from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Just sit and wait. Don’t move, don’t talk. Your family will worry, yes–but in return they’ll start doing things for you. They’ll make dinner, they’ll speak in hushed tones. They will have that come-to-Jesus-moment and maybe even start taking you more seriously around here. four-pull-a-cameron

FIVE: SWEAR Like a Mother Fucking Truck Driver. All. fucking. day. No holding back– full commitment. Your kid falls down, “Don’t be a Pu$$y.” Pass me a tissue, “Go Fuck Yourself.” You get my drift.

SIX: Ding.Dong.Ditch. Find the crotchetiest neighbor who may or may not have had a Trump sign on their lawn, and have at it! The endorphins that you’ll get from this will far surpass the consequences!

So Go.  And be sure to share your adventures with all of us!


 

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