Conversely, the challenges that come along with parenting can be indescribable. There are shameful moments when we lose our temper or say hurtful things. There are crushing moments when we can’t believe how different our lives are than how we imagined they’d be.  And there are heart-wrenching days when we witness our children struggle, and hurt—from illness, from other kids, from themselves. These are the things you only share once you’ve come out the other side.

Children have an uncanny power to give us our greatest highs, and the shallowest lows—and astonishingly can accomplish both in the same day.

As my kids shift from children to young adults, I find myself struggling with how to share my experiences as their mother while still respecting their privacy.

As parents we need support. We need to know that we aren’t alone in this. That it’s perfectly normal to feel helpless, to know that other people’s kids can be pretty shitty at times (and that it’s not just ours). That other people’s children suffer from anxiety, or bullying, or depression. And more importantly, that they got through it, or how they got through it. That there’s hope. That we have each other, and that it’s all normal. How can we know all this if we don’t share?

In sharing about our kids there also needs to be a balance, and that can be hard to achieve. We’re striving to teach this lesson to our children.   What you put out there won’t go away—our stories may seem cute when our kids are five, embarrassing at ten, and simply horrifying at fifteen. There’s a reason I now write about recipes and stray chin hair in addition to parenting!

I’m envious of the young mommy bloggers (minus the diapers and blah!) who have endless hours of footage and features of their kids doing all things kid. Mud puddles, growth milestones, and endless snuggles caught on film. But kids grow to be tweens, teens and young adults, and their interest in being our comical centerfolds will dwindle. They may not be willing to provide material for our likes and shares—and we are left to untangle what is theirs, and what is ours.

This is an ongoing discussion in our house.  As we create social media guidelines for our kids to follow, I find that they are good for me, too. Here are three concepts our family strives to remember while navigating social media.

ASK

A little permission goes a long way.

Every person has a different personality and a different place in the social world.  One child may be psyched to be in the limelight of your feed, but the other might not.  We now ask our kids for their permission to post about them or to use their picture. Sometimes the answer is no. More often than not, however, they say yes— trusting that we care, and respect their privacy.  I’ve noticed they’re also more willing to be IN pictures, knowing that we won’t post every photo taken.

LIMIT

“WORLDS ARE COLLIDING, JERRY!” Kids are friending parents, are friending teachers, are friending everyone!  It’s all a mess! That being said, your stories will travel. The details you share online about a meltdown or nightmare day your child had will likely reach their teacher, coach, friend’s parents or friends. That could have a negative impact on their playing time, social life or job opportunities going forward.  The picture you’re painting can have a lasting impact on how people perceive your child.

THE TABLES WILL TURN

Imagine stumbling upon your child’s social media feed to read about what an awful parent you are.  The minute-by-minute update of how you woke up like a beast and yelled all morning. That they hate your hair, and how you dress, and OMG that would be HORRIBLE!

Do unto others, my friend. 

Some things are not meant to be shared online. Save it for a private conversation (with your therapist, or with a close friend).  There’s a difference between posting that you’re struggling with your child (universal and relatable) and sharing every gory detail for the world to read (and judge, because they will).

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We’re still learning. I keep more of the photos of my children private, as much as I’d love to share! I ask more open-ended questions to the larger online audience, and when someone responds with a connection, I open a more private conversation with that friend or soon-to-be friend.

Overall, I think we have a lot more to benefit from sharing than we do from being totally private—but we still have a lot to learn about finding the right mix of what’s right for us, and what’s right for them.