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Cue the Sun

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For a sunny gal, I’m a bit cloudy these days. I’m uneasy, searching for the right thing to feel, or do, or write. My energy is low, and I’m struggling to reconnect with the more playful aspects of life.

A friend reached out this morning: “From your editor and #1 fan– It is time for you to write something. Anything. Silly, heartfelt, a critique, whatever! Fingers to keys!” I gave her a quick TY and GFY and went on with my morning.

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REWIND: I started blogging strictly for myself, to fill a creative void. I needed something with a commitment level that wouldn’t deplete me of all of my energy (as would a new career, my children, or Netflix binge).

Blogging offered something I could start and stop with little consequence, should I no longer feel inspired. It provided me with a way to express myself–to find my voice. It offered a way to foster connection, with more people, across a wider field.

‘What’s your end goal?’

This was ‘the’ FAQ upon my launch–a question still asked so frequently that it consistently finds its way under my skin.

have no blogging end goal–nor do I have any defined aspirations.

It’s a blog,  That’s it– a (beautiful? fun? interesting?) thing I made.

Where will this take me? Knowing that, it turns out, is not essential for me.

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PAUSE: Writing has become a great joy, inspiring me to have deeper, more meaningful interactions. Writing requires you to carefully consider a topic, and then commit to a viewpoint. It pushes you to refine your thoughts and ideas. After all, your words last longer in written form.

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Blogging ‘Rules of Engagement’ teach you to run a blog like a business. Be consistent, market yourself, post-post-post, engage–“like” the shit out of everyone else’s stuff. But as I struggle to guide my kids to be more authentic and real, the unanticipated hustle of blogging leaves me questioning why (and for whom) I’m doing this.

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I’ve watched my kids fall down the mind-sucking rabbit hole of social media (and I’ve been there with them). I’ve felt the insincere expectations of blog back-scratching.  Both experiences feel a little gross– yet are thought to be necessary to ‘succeed’ in an online venture. It all has me asking– why?

Life theme at the moment?

The writing feels right and authentic.  The ‘business’ of blogging does not. I want readers to be here because they want to be here. Because they feel a connection, and I want to connect in return. But all the rest of it? Pish.

My friend doesn’t give up easily:

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She forwarded a video, not knowing I’d been trying to write this piece–about being lost, about end goals, about the whys. All the whys.

“Don’t concern yourself with the end goal; follow your heart and enjoy the journey, because there is always a step you can take, no matter how small you perceive it to be.” -Jim Carrey

This hit my inbox, even as I pondered my ‘end goal.’  Jim Carrey, a thoughtful, creative genius who knows everything about showmanship, and evidently even more about what’s important in life. A person I admire on so many levels.  This.

PLAY: I’m back.

I’m here to explore. To connect.  To be vulnerable. To laugh.

I’m here to find my best self, in whatever form that is. Despite the title, it may not always be sunny. I appreciate you being here and being patient and helping me figure out how it all works.

Oh, and in case I don’t see you…

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