A gushing wave of disappointment came over me when I learned that the article entitled ‘Strippers Perform A Shitty Show At Popular Florida Strip Club After Contracting Diarrhea,’ was in fact, fake news. The mounding evidence was too much to overlook without turning up a nose to the whole scene. The overwhelming sense of intimacy in an event like that made me wish (for the first and only time) that had the event occurred, I could have been right there too—witnessing the epic performance that was surely the icing on the double-fudge chocolate cake.
I am a lifelong loather of strip clubs. I’ve never been to one, and to be honest I will think just a little bit less of you once you tell me that you have been. I’m shocked at how many men (and women!) still frequent strip clubs (beyond the cliche loser-capade of a bachelor/bachelorette party). Fine, upstanding teachers, lawyers, mothers and fathers of babies– supporting the local “performing arts” centers of ‘Merica. Juuuuust swell.
As much as I’d prefer not to spectate at the kingdom of nips and tits, you can bet your rump-shaker that nobody wants me there either! You can actually put money on it! (wink!)
My stripper name would be something along the lines of ‘Debbie Downer’ or ‘The Savior,’ and it would go nothing like you think. I’d be twerking my way to reform, empowering one stripper at a time—encouraging women to go back to school or run for office. You’ve got this, girls!
I’d dole out stripper employment applications (do these exist?) to the men on the scene. I’d advise them to share the applications with their young daughters at home—and if they didn’t aspire for their daughters to strip their way through their young adult years, then they shouldn’t support someone else doing the same. Put your money away and go home—or better yet, buy your wife some flowers. (Maybe you’ll get a little something extra at home. Not likely.)
But each to their own! I’m not here to judge…
Ummmmmm, yes I am—that’s exactly what I’m here for!
If you were to ever drug me enough to get me to attend a strip club, I would wish to be present (near the door, in a full HazMat suit) for the previously mentioned, now debunked Florida Shit Show: Men and women getting shit faced, and then shit… faced, again. I mean, those girls really let it all out. A double duty (doodie?)! Some might call it a stain on the industry.
Okay, enough. In my effort to encourage female empowerment and upward mobility, I’ve decided to listen to my gut (glad somebody did). These ladies (I use the term loosely) deserve nothing butt the best.
Here’s why I’m willing to hire them, and why you should be, too:
DISCRETION: They’ve seen it all and despite what you’ve heard, can still keep it in.
FLEXIBITY: They’re able to do a wide range of jobs. Maybe you’ll need a tight jar opened? Even if her hands are full, I’m sure she’s got some tricks up her…?!
PERSEVERANCE: I can shit on strip clubs all I want, but when your number 2 makes you number 1, you deserve to move up in the world! Despite their internal rumblings telling them otherwise, they knew–The show must go on (and on).
MOTIVATION: As employees, they can inspire: encouraging your staff to rise to any occasion.
STANDARDS: From my vantage point, the bar is low. You have an opportunity to help guide someone up from the rear. Put her biggest assets forward and show the world what she’s got.
PROPS: You’ve gotta have a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t for someone who’s willing to put it all out there, and doesn’t give a shit who sees it. There’s real grit there. Noble.
SANITATION: I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say that this clean-up may not be the worst they’ve seen in a strip club. I’m consistently looking for ways to get tough stains out, and my God, if anyone received the worst of it, yet keeps coming back for more, we’ve found our gals.
GUTS: They’re willing to stand up to stiff competition.
SHIT HAPPENS: That’s just a fact. If you sniff around and take a pole, this has likely happened to more people than you care to uncover.