Porn. Okay, Food Porn.

I follow Kylie Jenner on Instagram. I don’t know why- so don’t even give me smack for it. Nobody’s perfect. (I know, you thought “Maaaaaaybe Elease is perfect.” WRONG.)

The other night I was wasting brain cells on Instagram Stories– bloggers, and celebs, and their day-to-day whatevers, and up pops Kylie posing and making who-ha faces in front of a mirror. I’m at that stage in life where my brain still thinks I’m 20 (but my body knows it’s 40), and I see someone who’s 20, or worse, YOUNGER, and think, EWWW! That’s a sexy fetus slowly lifting her shirt to reveal her under-fed twelve pack and other upright body parts. She puckers her very (very!) supple lips, looks away, checks back one more time in case she thought we lost her and I’m all, UGH! You’re doing it wrong!

JK. I’m all, Ugh, you’re exhausting! This is not a turn-on, or at the very least not to me. And then I ponder out loud, “What does turn you on?” And my daughter responds with a shrill, “Mom, you’re gross!” and stomps out of the room. I shift back to an INNER monologue. My B!

Later that night, I slip into bed and really dig deep. (No, not there yet!)

What does turn me on?
That puckery nonsense on Instagram? Not so much.
The smell of cleaning products? Yes.
Morning wood? Nope.
A handy man who builds things with wood? Certainly!
Food? Yessem…Thank you, sir, may I have another!
And then it hits me….

Like, (My inner Kylie talking) instead of sending a crotch pic, send me a slow and charismatic video of, say– fried cheese! Play music to it like I like to do.

Pull it looong and let it ooze. Do you want to tease me first? (Yes!) Roll the cheese in flour, then milk. Do it slowly. I don’t want anything undressed. Put a little on at a time.

Then bread. Then milk. Then bread. Then milk. Then…put it in the freezer to make my ….CHEESE hard. When the timing is right, pull it out and slowly slip it in hot oil! Yes. Yes!! YES!!! I’ll have what she’s having!

Cheese. Bread. Pasta. Fried.
Wine. Beef. Butterflied.

The long and the short of it is, everyone has their thang. I imagine Kylie gets hit after hit with her ‘pucker and pull-away’ that just feels wrong in every way. For me, it’s food. You can smack it, beat it, flip it up and then EAT IT. ┬áSomething about that feels right to me… just a little Food For Thought.

 

 

 

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