Moms I’d Like To Punch: Youth Sports Edition
Oh, my everloving god. Is there no end to the lengths to which moms will go?
Cheer, Soccer, Hockey.
Trainers, Track, Recitals.
Costumes, Uniforms, Personalized EVERYTHING.
The Team Photography Sesh. The Pasta Parties.
Fundraisers, Football, The Daaaaancers.
The LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES.
As if there weren’t enough ways to twist our panties in a bunch.
No, we can STRIVE FOR MORE! Family anxiety and athletic prowess have not. reached. their. max. WE ALL MUST BE CLENCHED! Onward!
Youth Sports Moms.
Whether they’re rooting for the kid who’s next up at bat (or are simply batshit crazy)– they are THE BEST and THE WORST moms in the universe. They volunteer, they complain. They organize and they organize some more. They will put a hit out on a coach who overlooks their kid. They are a force to be reckoned with and are undoubtedly the ones who make the sports world go round. They are all winners, dammit! Whatever their intentions, they’re Moms We’d All Like to Punch. (How ’bout making a sport out of that? I’m sure there’s A MOM who can make that happen! Wink.)
THE SNACK SHACK SHAKEDOWN MILP
She who rules the Snack Shack rules the world. This MILP knows where you live and will hunt you down for contributions. Donate your time, donate your money, donate your soul. “The 10-12 shift is not going to serve itself. I need cookies. GET ME COOKIES. Not those cookies! Are you nuts, we don’t serve nuts! Don’t look at me like that, I OWN YOU!” This woman is militant, but she has to be. Everyone wants the wonder of the Snack Shack without doing the work. She is literally THE MOTHER in the world of moms. She’s asked you nicely too many times and now she’s mad. She’s talking through her teeth. Shut up and do as you’re told.
THE SIDELINE SCREAMER MILP
Whoa, Nelly! This MILP needs you to slip a sedative in her Keep It Kool koozie at warm-ups. She is HERE FOR THE GAME. Her ponytail is high, her pompoms locked and loaded. Nod a quick hello and get out of her way. When that buzzer sounds she is all biz. She’s sweating and shrieking and FREAKING HER KID OUT. Mess with the game and she will cut you.
THE SIDELINE SOCIALITE MILP
Much to the Screamer’s chagrin, The Sideline Socialite is here for the scene. Dressed for an autumnal photoshoot, spiked-latte in hand, she scans the stands to connect with her Simply Social Sisters. (Tri Sig, Squeal!) Fairly unphased that a sporting event is taking place, she uses terms such as ‘score a basket’ and ‘shoot a touchdown’ and gets flustered when her fascinating story gets interrupted by a goal score or inning change or whatever it’s called– the name is not important. She snaps selfies and ‘boomerangs the bench.’ Somehow, she scores the best seats and the best shots. (Perfectly filtered pics of course!)
THE DOESN’T READ TEAM COMMUNICATION MILP
This MILP knows nothing about anything and is completely unaware. She doesn’t fill out paperwork. She doesn’t volunteer. She doesn’t know the coaches name or who the players are. She doesn’t donate. She doesn’t hate. She just doesn’t. And we can all agree, it’s better this way.
THE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE COACH MILP
She’s always keeping score– of the game, of the coach. She carries a stopwatch, a clipboard, and an unreasonable amount of hostility. This MILP is out for blood, and nobody knows why. ‘Dillon only played for three minutes.’ ‘Casper’s face is too red. Get him off the field!’ ‘Delia’s socks are the wrong shade of shamrock!‘ She sees and knows everything and she’s mad, yet something is holding her back from actually helping.
THE COACH MILP
Let’s give her a break– she’s coaching! (Riiiiight.) Something must have happened in her younger years because this MILP is making up for lost time. Did she fall off the pyramid and run away in shame? Did she twist her ankle on the court and has come back for more? She HAS TO win. She runs her team like a military unit gone array. Her ‘All Work, No Play’ mentality is wearing on everyone. Felicity is in the corner struggling with attention and wailing the ball straight off her forehead. Sweet Avery took Fiona down like a linebacker…that doesn’t ‘just happen’ in badminton. Good intentions have gone very bad, stern words spin into tears. “I’m calling your parents! Everyone’s GOING HOME!”
Most importantly, THE MASCOT MILP
She is the ultimate cheerleader. She is the glue. Fully garbed in ‘official’ licensed team gear she LIVES FOR YOUTH SPORTS. She has the heart without all the pressure! She rallies parents and peers with homemade signs, glitter abounds! She Pinterests team snacks and passes out pompoms. She plans pasta dinners and bagel breakfasts and every gosh-darn team theme event! She’ll even escort your toddler to the potty if she spies a parentless pee-pee dance. She’s SUPER MASCOT MOM! Her enthusiasm and love for the team is the only thing keeping these MILPs from a full-on pummel!
- She sees Sideline Screamer Mom and slips her a pill. (Call her doctor.)
- She subtly saves No Communication Mom by baking a double batch of no-nut-official-team-colored cookies frosted with the true shade of shamrock, protecting both Snack Shack Shakedown and Sideline Screamer from dueling nervous breakdowns. (Two balls, one bat.)
- She takes a selfie with Socialite and sweetly sympathizes with Should Have Been the Coach Mom. (The Wildcat Whisperer.)
- She is mindful of THE Coach and organizes a group gift. (Bless her soul.)
- She talked Everybody Deserves A Trophy Mom right off a cliff (or threw her off?!) so that we didn’t have to write her into the story. (Win, win.)
Mascot mom. She’s the self-appointed team captain, the holder of the playbook and the one who hold the tickets so that every MILP has a seat in the stands.
Youth Sports MILPs. They are so much more than you know.
They are crazy and confusing, and they love their kids so much that they’re willing to fly their freak flags for it. And the sports world keeps on turning.
Love ’em or hate em’, they are here to stay. And today, they’re all WINNERS.
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