What Your Google Search History Says About You

nobody-puts-google-in-the-cornerWhat Your Google Search History Says About You!

Google, Alexa, and Siri– the modern day Mean Girls of 2000Tech.  The no-it-all gal pals who are sleek, smooth and always on trend. Everyone has their number, they’re in everyone else’s business and they’re willing to tell (and sell!) you anything– all you have to do is ask.

On the receiving end– search results, photos albums, I’m always impressed by those who can just whip out their phones and publicly flip through their browser or personal albums without fear or shame, no worries of what the mean girls have to reveal. Personally, I break into hives. Not that I’m a pervert or anything, and maybe I can blame it on blogging (But I doubt it!)– but between memes, selfies, screenshots, parenting and more, there’s gonna be (A lot of!) explaining to do!

No matter how clean and clear your photo album (or how secure you believe you’ve made them!) I’m willing to bet that your Google search history is less than squeaky clean. The Queen Bee Google knows more of your secrets than a Catholic Priest who just got wind of the good word. Hey, I’m not here to judge! I’m just grateful we have Google to call on when there’s a less-than-comfortable question to ask. At that very moment, she’s your friend!

While there’s no question that this week’s Google search has left me squirming around from nerves, I’m hoping this helps you feel better about yours.  Have a chuckle on my behalf.

6 Things I Googled This Week


Cifilis. Ciphillus. Ciphyllis. Syphilis!

Huh, a surprisingly difficult word to spell while such an easy infection to contract! Even after typing the first four letters my google search didn’t even want me to get to Ciphyllis. Ciphillus. Syphilis! Oops, that’s because I spelled it wrong.

Screen Shot 2018-12-27 at 4.16.08 PM

You don’t have to worry about me with these health risks. (Unless you know something I don’t!) It’s just a word I toss out in witty wonder and feel that sometimes I need to brush up on my facts to be sure I’m using (and spelling!) it correctly. Now let’s move on as I’m starting to itch.

How to Shave My Face.

Errr, this post is seriously beginning to feel like a bad idea. I don’t know if Pinterest and Youtube just have too much of my attention or if I’m just more willing to latch on to any beauty trend that falls short of going under the knife…although shaving feels a little too close now that I write about it! It feels like this is a trend— is it new or am I late to the party?

Symptoms of Bipolar.

Do you get in a room with extended family for the holidays, assess the habits of those around you and feel there’s a diagnosis to be made? I’m not sure if it’s the full moon, the holiday bustle or the essence of family life but… Bipolar.

How To Lose a Double Chin.

I’m not proud, but it’s there. I have a double chin— it’s been there for forever, even in my skinnier days. You will never see a photo of me from a side angle, ever– and I will put a hit out on you if you try.  (Yes, next week’s “I Googled A Hit Man And Got My Self Arrested’ post is ready and in the queue.) Turns out my belly isn’t the only area that needs firming and well– remember that no under the knife thing? God, I’m sensing a theme.

Dwight, You Ignorant Slut.

Who hasn’t googled this phrase at one time or another? I did– because I saw this and knew Lily just had to have it. It was my favorite gift I gave this year.


Will More Lube Do The Trick?

I don’t know what’s going on here…but the doors in our house are bringing me to the very edge! Brian, (God love him) has spent just about every day of his ‘vacation’ working on the oh-so-many to-dos that were building up. Tiling, grouting, plumbing, and for-the-love-of-god-FIXING-THE-SQUEAKING-DOORS! And he did– BUT now they’re worse than they were before. Is there no amount of lube that can kill the noise? TIA for any solutions that don’t involve things I’m too embarrassed to look into myself– which is saying a lot!

So what say you, Google?

Actually, don’t answer that!

My search has proven to be something I likely should have kept in lock-down mode! I’ve got issues, that’s for sure! (And so do you for reading about them!)

What would your google search say about you?

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53 thoughts on “What Your Google Search History Says About You

  1. I’m always using Google and have never thought about what my search history says about me!
    Currently with “currency converter”, “granola recipe”, “moondance lyrics” and “photoshop text overlay” as my recent searches, you’d probably guess that I’m a singer who likes granola, uses different currencies and dabbles in Photoshop – and you’d be correct!
    I’m sure that on other weeks, there might be some questionable searches, but it seems I got lucky this week!

    1. Haha! I love it.

  2. Fun Article! I loved it. Funny.

    1. Oh, Thank you! It was fun to write as well!

  3. Ha, ha! What did we do before Google, lol!

  4. This is really interesting.

  5. LOL. This post made me laugh, and I needed it! My recent google searches all dealt with tantrums and how to fix broken items (because #toddler) haha

    1. Haha! Don’t miss those days! Toddlers are like angry, drunk sailors— cute, but destructive! ☀️

  6. That’s too funny..
    I have kids and I find myself googling some strange things. Last night I was googling if diaper cream works for soothing a red, chapped nose (it does!).

    1. Double doodie (duty!) 😂 Perfect!

  7. Haha, this is hilarious. I’m not sure I’m brave enough to take the quiz. At the same time, I’m pretty curious .

    1. Haha! It’s all in good fun! ☀️ I think you should give it a try— keep in mind that a woman who googled face shaving and Dwight, you ignorant slut made the quiz. You’ve got this! 😂

  8. This is Great! Your searches had me rolling!

    1. Haha! Glad you liked it! ☀️

  9. Hilarious and entertaining! I am a huge fan of your blog and your honest humor!

    1. Oh!!! Well this just made me day! ❤️

  10. Funny! And so true that even if what you are searching is innocent – it might not look that way!

    1. And that’s how humors get started! 😂😬

  11. Superb article really it’s interesting and funny to read. U r open minded and u are expressing ur views without any barrier. Good work and keep it going

    1. You’re so sweet! Thanks so much for reading! ☀️

  12. Whoa! I never knew that. But if it is true I can bet that google is confused about me.

  13. I never really thought what my google search history tells me about myself (but pssst it probably thinks I need professional help) It all depends on how I feel and just how bad or good the last few days were to me, I really enjoyed seeing the things you googled, and without context I would probably be like…well that is one way to have fun I think, while frantically trying to retreat back, I really enjoy the humor in it all, don’t change continue being you 😉

  14. So true! Google and Facebook know everything.

  15. Haha! God, I don’t want see my Google search history. From ‘How to peel boiled eggs’ to ‘Nail arts’ I google everything! 😀

  16. Isn’t it weird just how personal our internet info is? How did people find out super private/ weird stuff before?

  17. You are so right I google a lot and almost everything!! Google may know about us more than ourselves.. very interesting post 👍🏻

  18. This was such a good post, it was so funny yet so revealing. I also liked the quiz because it added an interactive part to your post!

  19. I liked this post lol I’m sure mine will just show that I’m neurotic lol however it was fun reading yours! Thanks for sharing

  20. Lol this was such a fun post to read! My google search is a bunch of shows and movies! Lol not so interesting.

  21. I’m laughing so hard my face hurts!

  22. Google is my BFF, knows my deepest searches and my loves. Hahaha. Hey, you had me searching the Dwight quote, I know booh me! Great post!

    1. Glad you liked it! Now you’ll have to watch the Office and get to know Dwight a bit better! Cheers!

      1. Pacemakər Blog January 9, 2019 — 4:30 pm

        Yes, I have! Hehe

  23. As a fiction writer, I Google a lot of strange things – like how to sync up cybernetic prosthetics to your brain, different types of hauntings, and what alien languages probably sound like.

    I’m sure Google thinks I’m either a serial killer or a conspiracy theorist!

    1. 😂That’s hilarious!

  24. Yep Google knows all about us!

  25. This gave me a laugh! Honestly, I’d be scared to look at my google history. I just hate to imagine what I’v searched for. Probably some of yours. I won’t say which ones though!! (not syphilis)

  26. This is great! I think you can learn a lot about another person from their google searches. At the same time, looking into your own search, I think you can find some humility in that. We all search things that we’d like the world not to know about. Whether that’s ‘lube” used in a different context, or even ‘how to tell if my water broke’. Yup, I used that one a few years back. Either way, those pesky ladies sure do know a little too much about us.

  27. ha ha ha that’s very funny🤣😄

  28. I kinda search everything on Google. can’t even imagine my life without Google. I even ask weird questions to Google Assistant just to see how weird the answer is 😀 May be Google thinks that I have lost my mind :p

  29. This was fun and easy to read. I love the mix of humour and all.
    Currently my Google shows thyroid cancer, German words, Gluten free packaged food trends, sugar free baking etc.This are just stuff I’m either reading to update my facts, or learning or related to products I’m working on.

  30. Neil Alvin Nicerio February 2, 2019 — 1:38 am

    I have mastered the art of deleting history already but gosh you’d be shocked what Google would say about me. Hahaha

  31. I love googling myself at times

  32. I guess I’m just not exploiting Google properly to get funny results :)) The most interesting search I did in the past few days was “survival book neil”

  33. What an interesting post. The ‘Dwight’ pillow was so funny.

  34. Haha this is funny! I need to look back at my search history for the week and see what all I searched!

  35. OMG! This is hilarious! I didn’t know ‘Dwight, you ignorant s***’ is a thing! Bipolar… I feel you. Totally know what you mean. I have Google as my default. My recent searches are all about telemedicine – studying for my Master’s.

  36. blair villanueva February 4, 2019 — 9:01 am

    I actually don’t pay attention to my Google search, but I make sure I delete my history everyday because I am so OC with security and privacy 😀

  37. I’m terrified of my google search history sometimes, but that’s the price of being a writer, I guess.

  38. So funny and something new to read today and I am sure you enjoyed while writing this article too.

  39. Hahaha this really made me chuckle this morning – great post!

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