129 Ways To Get A Husband Today

We all giggled (or gagged) when this 1958 edition of McCall’s: 129 Ways To Get A Husband made the rounds recently.   SO MUCH of the advice was outdated, patronizing, and downright puzzling- but funny AF.  I just had to weigh in. 

What follows is the 1958 advice (in bold), and my response.

DISCLAIMER: Although I’ve technically never dated (having met my husband at the ripe age of 18!), I imagine I’d be great at it had I had the chance.  (NEED. I meant need!) And having ‘snatched up my man’ (read with a raspy growl!) with such swift, subtle, and sultry sass probably bumps me up to a near-expert status where dating is concerned.  Call the groomers and hang on to your hatboxes ladies (Or gents!), you are about to get yourself a man.

129 Ways to Get A Husband Today

1. Get a dog and walk.

Harmless. Practical! And if you don’t find your man, you have a friend!

2. Have your car break down at a strategic place.

Crazy, but not too cray. Put this on the back burner should the other 128 suggestions not work. 

3. Attend Night School—take courses men like.

Sounds like a pricey venture. You’ll need a backup fund should your get-a-man plan not pan out. I only suggest the night school route if you’re after the professor. (Growl!) Otherwise, it’s more cost-effective to stay uneducated and just not work.

Pretty and dumb do okay. Definitely work if you want to, though—some men like that.

4.  Join a hiking club.

My naaaaails! While hiking ain’t really my thing, it may be yours. Take part in any club (Or da club, if that’s what you’re into). Meeting a guy IRL is totally magical and unusual these days. Take your face out of your phone and go for it!

5. Look into census reports for places with the most single men. Nevada has 125 males for every 100 females.

Errrrrm, ill-advised. IF you’re basing dates on census stats, I’d focus more on red and blue states. Find yourself a man who isn’t looking to shut down the government (or your reproductive rights).

6. Read the obituaries to find eligible widowers. 

Creeper status: HIGH 

7. Take up golf and go to different golf courses.

Or any sport of your choosing. Stellar advice!

8. Take several short vacations at different places rather than one long one in one place.

Hold up, cougar! Take a break from the great hung elephant hunt and have yourself some girl time. His trunk will be flapping upon your return. Who knows, he just might spot you in the crowd—it’s a jungle out there!

 9. Sit on a park bench and feed the pigeons.

“So how’d you guys meet?”

“Well, I took the day off to sit on a bench with all the bags I own and feed the pigeons. I was swept right off my feet by the many single, handsome, sane men who came flocking to eat pigeon food from my wrinkly spinster hands!”

No one meets men this way. No one.

10. Take a bicycle trip through Europe. 

You’ll never find a man with the way you’ll be walking after a trip like that!

11. Get a job in medical, dental or law school.

If you don’t find your man, you’ll have a career to fall back on. Go for it!

12. Become a nurse or an airline stewardess—they have very high marriage rates.

By ‘have very high marriage rates’ they really mean that no man can resist a sexy nurse or stewardess uniform—and they’re right.

13. Ask your friends’ husbands who the eligible men are in their office.

Skip the men from the office. Go straight for said friends’ husband. What?  She should have strapped him down. 

 14. Be nice to everybody—they may have an eligible brother or son.

#truth

15. Get a government job overseas.

Activation desperate mode. Let’s scan the states first!

 16. Volunteer for jury duty.

Yes—there you may find a defendant whose lawyer gets him off. Er—that came out wrong. But if you’re reading this list, you really mustn’t be too picky.

17. Be friendly to ugly men—handsome is as handsome does.

So much to unpack. How much time do we have? I’ve always been behind the notion that personality makes for 90% of the package. And by package I mean…

18. Tell your friends that you are interested in getting married. Don’t keep it a secret.

There really should be a facebook status update that sends out a high-pitched alert for this. Oh, wait—what? That’s what Tinder is for? Got it!

19. Get lost at football games. 

I know my 12-year-old wasn’t planning this (or was she?) but she may have been on to something. At a local football game, she walked into a pole. (Truly!) This landed her a front-row medical cot behind the home team field goal. Uniformed medical staff and passers-by swarmed at her feet. I’m not saying you need to run straight into a pole—buuuut maybe just see where it gets you!

20. Don’t take a job run largely by women.

Nuggets of wisdom delivered right to your front door! Are they allowing women to run companies yet? (Rolls eyes and torches a car.)

That’s trash! Women stick together!

21. Get a job demonstrating fishing tackle in a sporting good store.

So here’s where I need to stop you. As much as I’d love to watch this play out (Really, I would!) it’s not good advice. If you’re going to demonstrate tackle in a store, make sure it’s rugby or American football.

22. On a plane, train or bus don’t sit next to a woman—sit next to a man.

All good advice in the good old fashion sense, unless he’s of the Weinstein, DT, Spacey or Cavanaugh variety. Oh right, Spacey likes boys.

23. Go to all reunions of your high school or college class. There may be widowers there.

Notice they didn’t suggest the single men, eh. You can thank Facebook and Instagram for giving a sneak peek to what you’ll stumble upon. #filterslie

24. Don’t be afraid to associate with more attractive girls; they may have some leftovers.

Ouch! That one stung. Baby, you’ve got the Food Network and you can cook up your own dish—hot and spicy. You don’t need to eat anyone’s leftovers. Remember that!

25. Go back to your home town for a visit—the wild kid next door may have become a very eligible bachelor while you were away.

WARNING: If the wild kid next store is still living next door you have yourself a very eligible Peter Pan. Don’t be his Wendy.

26. Don’t room with a girl who is a sad sack and let her pull you down to her level.

Solid gold advice.

Simple and true.

Print it out and add it to your day affirmations!

27. Get a part-time job in a convention bureau.

Hey Google! What’s a convention bureau?

28. Change apartments from time to time.

That and underwear.

29. When traveling, stay at small hotels where it is easier to meet strangers.

Just don’t give them your credit card or pin if they ask.

30. Learn to paint. Set up your easel outside engineering school.

One of my faves—and it has real merit. If you’re willing to attempt this, GO BIG.

Block the main entrance with the easel. Make a scene. Paint his car. Graffiti the place!

31. Stumble when you walk into a room that he is in.

Paging Christian Gray, Anastasia is here to see you.

I know—it’s terrible, it’s sexist, it’s so degrading. But. It just. might. work.

32. Forget discretion every once in a while and call him up.

Reel it in ladies. They said call, maybe Facetime.

How will you know it went too far?

Discretion went out the window when you opened the d!ck pic that you won’t ever unsee.

33. Carry a hatbox. 

Hey Google! What’s a…ah, nevermind.  I wish I had more background into the fella who threw this one out there. I like a lady with a big, round, sturdy lid on her… hatbox.  Truth-be-told, he sounds like an asshat.

34. Wear a Band-Aid. People always ask what happened. 

Somebody hold me back!

I am very concerned about a man who’s ‘intrigued’ by a woman in bandages. Ladies, leave your band-aids at home. Instead, wear your badge of courage, brilliance, and beauty.

Own that shit!

35. Learn several funny stories and learn to tell them well—but make sure you don’t tell them to him more than once.

I don’t want to give away all my secrets, buuut….Ding Ding Ding, we have a winner!

Besides carrying a hatbox (Doy!) these are words to live by.  Man or no man, you’ll go far in life with a few good stories to tell!

36. Walk up to him and tell him you need some advice. 

Picture this. (Clears throat and tries out her sultry voice.  Rubs fingers along her crisp, slightly open collar.)

“Hey, Tony. (Plays with hair.) I was wondering. (Peers up with her lashes. She blinks) Does this thong may my panty line show? (Bends over slightly.) I mean, if it does then do you think I should take them off?

Tony is STUNNED! THAT, ladies, is how you get yourself a man!

37. Dropping the handkerchief still works. 

Reread #36. Tony didn’t have a chance.

38. Have your father buy some theater tickets to have to get rid of. 

Oh, daddy! Don’t worry—these tickets are to find me a husband to take care of me so you don’t have to!

(I’m 98% sure that 99% of men have checked out by now!)

39. Stand in the corner and cry softly. Chances are good that he’ll come over to find out what’s wrong.

We have a stage 4 clinger over here!

Chances are good that he will never talk to you again ever.

40. Don’t let him fish for your name the next time you meet. None of this ‘guess who’ stuff.

Really, this from the genius who suggested crying in the corner.

How ’bout this? Remember my name, bitch!

You’re right. That’s coming on a little strong.

41. If you’re at a resort have the bell boy page you. 

This will only work if you’re after the bell boy.

42. Buy a convertible. Men like to ride in them. 

My temples are starting to sting!

Yes, see Christy Brinkley in ‘National Lampoon’s Vacation’ for step by step process. Never gets old!

43. Learn how to bake tasty apple pies. Bring one into the office and let the eligible bachelors taste your warm, sweet apple pie. 

Do you hear how that sounds?  Well, it actually works.  I have several friends who have seduced their lovers and brought them to their knees with some warm, sweet apple pie. Why do you think I cook?  More details in: How To Keep Your Man.

49. Laugh at his jokes. 

LOL

53. If there’s a wallflower among the men you know, why not cultivate him?

Cultivation activation. Why didn’t you just say so?

It sounds a little manipulative but I like it. Let’s do this.

71. ‘Accidentally” have your purse fly open, scattering its contents all over the street. 

Gosh, this makes me so happy.  Picture this…

(She pulls her hair back behind her right ear and offers a mischievous smile.)

“Hey, Tony.” (She purrs as she draws closer and suddenly…

She crashes through the table Mary Catherine Gallegher style.

The contents of her purse scatter everywhere!

Super jumbo size tampons, appetite suppressants, Adderall everywhere.

A brown banana hits Tony in the face. Her journal, the one with all her private thoughts– “I heart Tony” scribbled over every line.)

78. Get better-looking glasses—men still make passes at girls who wear glasses. Or try contacts.

Worked for me!

86. Practice your drinking with your women friends first. 

So much to work with here. Do I jab with a Cosby punch or is Cavenaugh still more relevant?  Don’t listen to me—nobody will believe me, anyway!

91. Wear high heels most of the time-—they’re sexy. 

While I do agree that heels are sexy, I don’t advocate for wearing them all the time because:

Bunions. You can file that under ‘How To Lose A Man.’

99. Tell him he’s handsome. 

Aww. That’s sweet. Tell him—as long as you believe it to be true.

104. If you look good in a sweater, wear one on every third date.

111. Go on a diet if you need to.

I will cut you!

129. Don’t tell him you have allergies. 

This woman found a solution and so can you. Click the link— it’s worth your 60 seconds.

I just can’t go on!

If I haven’t given you the tools to land yourself a man and sink your sharp claws in real tight, I don’t think you can be helped.  You need to go, give a few things a try and please, and report back.

Send pics!

Share stories!

And if you need to phone one in—I’m here waiting by my phone.

A fresh batch of bachelors is calling.  It’s time to pick up the phone!

Thaaaaat being said—you realize you don’t need a man, right? That you’re whole all on you’re own?  Because as you’re still reading these several thousand words later, I’m a little curious as to what going on for you right now.

You’re great the way you are. Get out there, have some fun.  And if the dating scene doesn’t work in your favor, head back to lesson number one.  That pooch is cute and will make the perfect furry friend.  Cheers!